dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
