your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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