Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
