I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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