I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
