life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
