the condom got lost in my hair
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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