I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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