I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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