he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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