I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
