you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
