I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
