Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
