we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
