I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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