life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
