I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
