Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Randomize
