I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
