sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
