he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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