I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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