I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
