i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
