so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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