i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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