drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
