if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
