I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
