why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
