Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude i'm inner monologue high
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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