I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
