she was so not down for the gang bang
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
