Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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