You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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