well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
