I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
