it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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