i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
