i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
