I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
