Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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