my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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