I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
