If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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