Define "chronic" masturbator.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
