Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
