if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
