that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
